Lost Gate Receipts Will ‘Cripple’ Australia in the Long-Term, Claims Dhoni

This article first appeared on www.thealternativecricketalmanack.com on January 14, 2012.

Indian cricket captain MS Dhoni sent shockwaves throughout the cricketing world today when he outlined the real strategy he had in place during the seemingly disastrous tour of Australia.

At a hastily convened press conference, Dhoni said that by losing to Australia consistently within 3 or 4 days, the lost income through gate receipts would ruin Cricket Australia, forcing their top players out of the team.

“I’m saddened so many people have been critical of my on and off-field leadership,” continued Dhoni. “Yes, I could have tinkered with the batting line-up, or actually employed attacking fields when the Australian tail was batting, but the simple truth is that the current Australian line-up has foolishly stepped into my trap. I project that the money that Cricket Australia has lost so far will be enough to force them to have to rent out the WACA to farmers during the winter, just to stay afloat.”

Former Australian captain Ian Chappell was quick to congratulate Dhoni on his vision and his ability to consider his side’s long-term prospects over simply papering over the cracks. “Like a lot of people, I thought that this tour was going pretty badly for India. However, Dhoni has taken advantage of an Australian side with a young, inexperienced captain and who are hurting after a humiliating loss to New Zealand. So in their eagerness to impress, they have run headfirst into Dhoni’s trap. Brilliant.”

It is only now that historic parallels to this plan can be observed. When Australia ruled cricket throughout the 1990s and beyond, other sides had subtly and slowly chipped away at Australia’s finances through massive, but strategic, losses. Whereas it may be easy to claim Australia’s drop down the rankings can be attributed to the successive retirements of McGrath, Hayden, Langer, Warne and Gilchrist the truth was Australia could no longer afford these players and they were forced to seek out poorly-paid work, such as the IPL.

“So you see, having lots of world-class players retiring at once with untried replacements struggling to get experience was not the issue for Australia. I think we can all take comfort from that and never mention it again,” concluded Dhoni.

Dhoni then proudly and confidently strode off the stage and slammed the door behind him, eliminating the possibility of questions. Most commentators applaud Dhoni’s commitment for holding out for six hours, before acknowledging that he’d actually shut himself into a broom closet.