Recent Sightings Spark Fierce Debate Over Existence Of ‘Test Cricket’

This article first appeared on www.thealternativecricketalmanack.comon the 3rd of February 2012.
 

Like Elvis, Hitler and Cliff Richard before it, Test Cricket has long been assumed dead. However, a number of recent alleged sightings have once more led people to question whether it could actually still be alive.

The most recent report comes from two Australian holiday-makers in Argentina, who spotted what they claim was Test Cricket working anonymously at a rural gas station.

“My father spoke often about Test Cricket, and showed me photographs of it that he took in his youth, so I knew what it looked like even if I’d never seen it in person before,” said Brad Slater, 24. His girlfriend, Sheila Matthews, 22, spoke of its ‘quiet dignity’, adding: “It was so beautiful. All the cricket I get to see is loud and tacky, and always trying to grope me on the bum. But Test Cricket was so engrossing, I could have sat and watching it do its thing for, like, five days.”

The claims have met with considerable scepticism, with the main international experts in Test Cricket sightings, IPL Investigations, dismissing them completely.

Spokesperson for IPL Investigations, Lord Lucan, stated: “Test Cricket is dead. It is a shame, but people just have to accept facts. We see no evidence for Test Cricket being alive. We spoke to Twenty20 Cricket yesterday and it wishes people would stop bringing up its grandfather and let the dead rest.”

Lord Lucan proceeded to leap onto his horse, Shergar, and galloped off into the night.

The controversy rages on, however, with sightings of Test Cricket coming in from all corners of the globe. Even in New Zealand, where there hasn’t even been a potential sighting since the late 1980s, there has been a spate of claims in the last couple of months. Such excitement has lead to crowds of up to 7 people at a time flocking to cricket grounds around the country.

IPL Investigations have warned the public that not all sightings will be genuine, and to not get their hopes up too quickly. In one such high-profile case in 2006-07, a group of English tourists claimed that Test Cricket was alive and well during a short stay in Adelaide. However, just like Sachin’s 100th 100, it turned out to be nothing other than a false sighting.

Even in the United States of America, dozens of sightings are reported each year, usually at night, and by individuals driving on isolated roads where there are, frustratingly, no other witnesses.

In December 2011, Lurlene Jackson, 53, phoned the emergency services after believing that she had been abducted by Test Cricket. “It was terrifying,” stated Ms. Jackson. “I was asked the most degrading and personal questions, and shown images of unspeakable horror.” IPL Investigations concluded that Ms. Jackson was not visited by Test Cricket, but was actually just being sent text messages by Shane Warne.