New Zealand Claim Historic Win; On Verge Of Internal Collapse

This article first appeared on www.thealternativecricketalmanack.com 

on the 4th of December, 2012

COLOMBO – In the wake of their morale-boosting and series-drawing 

victory against Sri Lanka, New Zealand Cricket has taken the only course 

available to them and are on the verge of sacking captain Ross Taylor.

“It really is quite simple,” said current New Zealand coach Mike Hesson, 

“Victories like this just give the New Zealand public hope that we have

 turned a corner and are heading back to the glory day.”*

“Ross Taylor, as captain, has to shoulder the majority of the blame here. 

He has improved his batting average since taking the leadership role and 

there’s a real feeling that the young guys around him might just start to 

believe in themselves. We can’t have that,” said Hesson. “We’ve just been 

hurt too many times before.”

New Zealand Cricket chief executive David White was quick to back up his 

coach. “It is very clear that the problem lies with Taylor. I have absolute 

faith in Hesson and his win-loss record as New Zealand coach speaks for 

itself,” he said.

“There is no-one around who is doing a better job at dampening expectations 

in our cricket side than Mike. I’ll be having a word with him to see if there 

was anything he did inadvertently that contributed to the win in Colombo, 

but I think that is extremely unlikely.”

Formerly retired Pakistan cricketer and professional nutball Shahid Afridi has 
been uncharacteristically outspoken on the developments. “Obviously, I don’t 
like it when any cricketer takes the focus away from me, but I find it very 
disappointing that New Zealand cricket is muscling in on Pakistan’s territory. 
We invented the back-room implosion. This is just kid’s stuff.”

Afridi went one step further, saying: “In fact, I’d be more than happy to come 

out of retirement [again] and captain New Zealand. 

Then we’d really see some serious madness.”

Hesson thought such an idea had merit. “That could work actually. We need a 

captain who can play to the situation and do something stupid every time. He is 

probably an even better option than McCullum in that respect.”

However, sources say that all this posturing may be pointless as the world is due to 

end on December 21st. Not because of anything the Mayans may or may not have 

said, but because this might be the day that Sachin Tendulkar announces his retirement.

* March 16, 1982