The Beige Archives: 606 Cricket- Guide for Beginners

This article first appeared on the BBC's 606 forum on the 25th of March 2009. It summed up my views on everything that was wrong with 606. Sadly, nothing changed.

 

Time to get the 606 Cricket Rulebook dusted off, particularly since the Ashes is coming up and lots of new people will be coming onto these boards and might need a bit of help getting up to speed.

 

1. Statements and statistics will be ignored unless followed by “FACT” or “End of”, at which point they become binding and irrefutable.
2. Kevin Pietersen is English
3. Kevin Pietersen is South African
4. Kevin Pietersen is England’s best player for a generation and a proven match-winner
5. Kevin Pietersen is an egotistical mercenary who must be dropped
6. Any articles praising Flintoff must contain the words and phrases “talisman”, “hero” and “gives 110%”.
7. Any articles criticising Flintoff must contain the words and phrases “pedalo”, “injury-prone” and “not a test number 6”.
8. If you don’t care about a particular player, competition or form of cricket, you must demonstrate this by writing as many articles and comments as possible stating your position. See Rule 1.
9. An article comparing Tendulkar, Lara and Ponting must be written every week. Having three such articles on the go at once is the norm.
10. Don’t bother writing an article comparing Murali to Warne or Bradman to Tendulkar. No-one will comment on it.
11. Any comments about women’s cricket must be on the basis of attractiveness of the players and any mention to their ability as cricketers is frowned upon. Double-entendres involving “maidens”, “balls” and “fine leg” are always hilarious.
12. Changing your mind based on evidence and logic is banned.
13. Changing your mind based on which team is involved is mandatory.
14. Any discussion regarding England’s squad for the Ashes must contain at least one of Ramprakash, Key or Trescothick or it won’t be taken seriously.
15. Every match must conclude with an article stating the umpires were incompetent and/or biased.
16. If you write a comment criticising Twenty20 you are a dinosaur.
17. If you write a comment criticising Tests you have no attention span.
18. If you write a comment criticising Tests, ODIs and Twenty20 you have come to the wrong forum.
19. Valid excuses for why your side lost include “the pitch”, “the toss”, “the umpires”, “the weather”, “the selectors”, “the tour schedule” and “injuries”.
20. Invalid excuses for why your side lost include “the opposition played better”.