Cricket - It's a funny old game

Cricket - It's a funny old game

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Ponting Evades Capture, Flees

Disgraced Australian cricket captain Ricky Ponting dramatically evaded capture by Cricket Australia's police force which has prompted a nationwide man-hunt for Australia’s most unwanted man.

The warrant for Ponting’s arrest was issued moments after Australia failed to stop England from holding onto the Ashes, making Ponting the first Australian captain to lose the Ashes on home soil since the internet was developed and thus the only reference time period that is of any importance.
The timeline of events is recorded below:
  • 11:45am Australian batting lynchpin Ben Hilfenhaus is caught behind prompting the England players to launch into the ‘sprinkler’, a move which makes skinny white guys doing the Haka look cool.
  • 11:46am Ponting unsuccessful in bid to have Merv Hughes pad up and pretend to be Ryan Harris.
  • 11:47am Cricket Australia announces warrant for Ponting’s arrest.
  • 11:48am ICC confirms legality of warrant, not that anyone cares about their approval or otherwise.
  • 11:51am Cricket Australia gunships and commandos surround MCG disrupting the 17 remaining Australian fans who are trying to leave.  The 58,000 English fans are completely oblivious to the armed assault on the stadium or even what day of the week it is.
  • 11:52am Ponting barricades himself in the Australian dressing room.
  • 11:53am Ponting demands to be left alone or he will start shooting the other Australian players.  Cricket Australia admit such action may result in Ponting getting a reduced sentence.
  • 11:57am Shouting and breaking furniture heard from the Australian dressing room
  • 11:58am Shouting and breaking furniture heard from the English dressing room
  • 12:01pm Ponting enters the air vents above the dressing room using Mike Hussey’s nose as a lever.
  • 12:03pm Police enter Australian dressing room.  Clarke and Hilfenhaus gunned down to ensure compliance with the CA’s strict ‘collateral damage’ criteria.
  • 12:05pm Police unable to find Ponting in the MCGs air ducts. Police start searching in the sewer system as Ponting’s recent press conferences had suggested his affinity with effluent.
  • 12:15pm All routes into and out of Melbourne are sealed off.  Millions of Melbourne citizens attempting to escape the ever increasing noise emanating from the MCG are turned back.  Wide-spread panic ensues. However, the traditional looting of electrical stores is omitted as the Australians avoid risking seeing television coverage of that damn sprinkler again.
  • 12:30pm CA admit Ponting may have evaded the city-wide cordon and that he may have had an escape route planned well in advance.  A police spokesperson said “he would have known this was coming – it is probably the only thing he has planned properly all summer”.
Anybody seeing Ricky Ponting is asked to phone the Cricket Australia Capture Hotline immediately and is requested not to attempt to apprehend the fugitive themselves. “He is considered extremely dangerous. Except if he has a cricket bat in his hands”.
Police are remaining vigilant at all airports across the country but sources from inside Cricket Australia fear the Australian public may not get the justice they deserve.

In unrelated news, New Zealand have announced that they are considering picking previously unheard of Richard Pointing for their upcoming Test series with Pakistan. New Zealand cricket captain Daniel Vettori said "his apparent high level of experience when it comes to losing really makes me think he has a future in New Zealand cricket".

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